I finished work at 4.30 today and I was crazy hungry. I ate two protein bars that I had in my locker and then I just felt guilty and crazy and still so fucking hungry. I nearly cancelled on seeing my boyfriend tonight to go home and binge and purge but I decided to go the gym instead. It wasn’t a ‘let’s burn off all the calories’ kind of workout, just a ‘aghhh I’m stressed let me pound this treadmill until I feel better’ kind of workout. I don’t know how many calories I burned and I don’t care. It’s difficult because I love running and exercise and I always did, even before my ED and I feel like my life would be so much worse if I couldn’t do what I love - but it’s hard for me to tell what exercise is ED driven and which isn’t. For now, I’m going to workout because it makes me feel good and it’s the only thing that can stop me from bingeing and purging, but I’m going to be aware that it could turn into over exercise and I’m going to make sure I eat enough calories to make up for the energy I used up. When I finally get to see a therapist and start on a more structured recovery then I guess I can assess it again then. But for how my main concern is eating enough and not throwing up and exercise seems to help. So yeah, I’m just going to do the best I can with what I’ve got in these early days of what I’m calling pre-recovery.